What is 'being good to everyone'? This is when others allow you to act, and you have to live up to their expectations. When you are so hungry for someone else's approval that you do things that are not typical for you. This is how your whole life goes, and then you find that the only one to whom you really owe is yourself. With this text, we assert: you do not need to ask permission to be who you want.
According to Bowandtie's editors, the truth is that success in the eyes of the majority always looks like material wealth, and being in demand is like servility. But the concept of 'happiness' is not equal to success, and everyone deciphers it in their own way. Let's talk about this.
Don't let the gaze of others drown out your own inner voice
Others already have plans for you.
Friday evening. You just got home from work in a fictitious office, where you have piled another statue of a goose out of scraps, tears and sweat for your boss to have something to do while you are on the weekend. You are tired, and all your thoughts come down to your favorite hobby – to play computer games, read Dostoevsky, sit in a cozy armchair in a cozy room of a cozy home, spend time in silence alone with yourself and for the benefit of yourself.
But others have their own plans for you. People around you are waiting for you to be modest, friendly and always ready to give them a place in public transport and in life. Friends have already scheduled an evening gathering at the bar. Parents expect you to become a successful 'mom's friend's son' with honors, your own car and apartment. Girl – when you take the position of boss. And the boss himself – new statues of a goose, as high and more as possible.
You won't disappoint them, will you?
Of course you will not disappoint. Moving your desires is much easier than the desires of friends and family. And only a truly strong-willed person can say no to the team and not drown in its spitting. So your favorite volume will remain unread and your comfy chair empty while you simulate joy and interest in your next family gathering with distant relatives and in a boring bar, or work overtime for a more symmetrical goose statue or promotion.
Only a strong person can say no to the team and not drown in its spitting
And, yes, it's not about a goose, an armchair and a book – these are nuances that everyone has their own. It's not about weakness. We're talking about the impact of the 'should' attitude.
What is the danger of being good to everyone?
Top reasons for wanting to be good for everyone:
- thirst to be accepted by a certain society – parents, peers, friends, colleagues;
- the need to please certain people – a girl, boss, idol;
- fear of disappointing relatives;
- euphoria from other people's approval.
It turns out that you have to study well, have to build a career, and for this you have to work harder, and you also have to devote free time to friends. As a result …
You push your own interests aside
If you are busy living someone else's life, there will be no time left for your own life.
You simply have no choice, because you are so busy serving other people's interests, achieving other people's goals and living someone else's life that there is no time left for your goals, interests and life. We are not saying that helping others is bad. If your friend or relative cannot help themselves, for example, because they are sick, that is one thing. It's another matter if he doesn't want to help himself, because there are you who are always ready to do everything for him.
You value others' time more than yours
Your time is limited, don't waste it living a different life
A little earlier, we talked about the fact that everyone expects something from you. And note that their and your expectations do not always coincide. However, you treat your friends with affection, your relatives with love, and your colleagues with respect. You fulfill their requests, come to the rescue at any time of the day, donate for their own time. If you do it anyway, then answer the question: why don't you do the same, but in relation to yourself?
Are you afraid of disapproval, afraid of disliking
This comes from childhood: did what parents or peers need – received approval and 'respect'. They are like a drug – they help to feel more confident, stronger, more successful. Go against – get a dose of condemnation and alienation.
And in order not to experience this alienation, not to become a 'black sheep', a person follows the lead – becomes a nice guy who, beyond his own capabilities, loads himself with the affairs and interests of others, forgetting about his own. After all, affairs and interests unpopular in a certain society will not arouse approval: if you go to the gym, you are a fine fellow and keep a five, and if you play computer games, you are a godless nerd and omezhka who will not have a girlfriend.
This carrot and stick did this – received approval, not that – society presses on you
The bottom line for all such people is the same: at some point everything will fall out of hand, they will not be able to cope with the burden of other people's worries, they will not keep their promises and will no longer be liked by those for whom they tried so hard.
Bowandtie's editors have some doubts about the effectiveness of the 'be good for all' strategy. To be honest, we see people like this hanging out on a loop under the ceiling at the age of 40-45. They try to be the best for others and do everything 'right', forgetting that it is necessary to justify not others, but their own expectations. And when they understand that such behavior does not bring the desired effect, and their best years have been spent on this, a phase of despair and depression sets in.
How not to be in debt to yourself?
The main thing is not to rush to send everything and everyone. This is a trait of an intellectually immature teenager, and even if you, dear reader, are a teenager, still don't do it. Never. We are not talking about demonstrative rebellion, but about freedom from the 'should' prejudice. This can be achieved peacefully, without going to extremes and without spoiling relationships with the team, relatives and friends.
Sooner or later, Nice Guys will trap themselves and cease to be liked by those for whom they tried so hard.
A small remark: non-working advice of eminent psychologists, word for word copied from one blog to another, we do not have for you. And what other psychologists in the conditional Ust-Olginsk? As in the last century, Russia remains a provincial country, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, it helps to look at things soberly.
After all, the fact is that you may not need a red diploma. Government bills will not make you a better person and will not provide a place in the sun in this country.
You may not need a boss position. Perhaps this will make life easier for your girlfriend, but yours is not a fact. Not everyone is able to manage people – someone feels in their place in the position of an ordinary employee. And the world knows many examples when a demanded employee experienced several bosses at an enterprise.
Others may say that you are not like everyone else, but you do not need to correspond to someone.
You may not need a manager's approval. It is enough that your goose statue provides you with a stable salary, which should suit you, of course. All men are taught from childhood that we are nobody without money and a career. You know, the Bowandtie editors find Edgar Poe's works of genius and respect his literary talent immensely. And he died in poverty, and at the time of his death was little known. Now turn on the 'first channel' on TV – they show many people who are successful from the point of view of society. Do you respect them?
You may not need all this. Humble minds may say that you are not like everyone else. The very essence of such a formulation of the question is nothing more than amusing, because you also do not need to adjust to the yardsticks and frames of others.
You need to justify not strangers, but your own expectations
The only approval you really need is your own
Bowandtie's editors recommend doing what you want. No compromise, but within the framework of the axiom 'my freedom ends where the freedom of another begins'. Because you can't be good for everyone, but good for yourself is welcome.
And remember: we – the author of this text and the editorial board as a whole – do not pretend to be the only true truth, unlike those who replace your interests with their own, acting on the scripts of a zombie that bites another person and turns him into the same zombie.
Well, if you cannot do without authoritative advice, then here are the words of a really tough guy, whose opinion it makes sense to take into account:
'Your time is limited, don't waste it living a different life. Don't be hooked on a creed that exists on the minds of others. Don't let the looks of others drown out your own inner voice. And it is very important to have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. '- Steve Jobs
